More often than not an argument is given a negative label because of what they represent. Basically, you have two sides that disagree, with the goal of winning the other over to their position. The truth of the matter is that arguing doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Did you know that the success of an argument happens before any words are ever spoken?  This article covers how to turn arguments into constructive conversations that will improve your relationship.

Checklist

• For Argument's Sake: Know what you’re dealing with
• Sneak Peek: The driving force behind the argument you don’t see
• Argument Armor: Gearing up for the battle
• The Dance: Navigating the discussion
• Maintain: Staying ahead of future disagreements

By definition an argument is a “Discussion” having differing points of view. At first sight it doesn’t sound too bad, but we all know how bad they can get. This is because most of us lose sight of the most important piece of the definition, and that is the fact it’s only a discussion (NOT A DECLARATION OF WAR). Let’s dive in!

For Argument’s Sake: Know what you’re dealing with

If you don’t know what you want out of an argument then trust me, you won’t get much at all. There is a subtle difference in knowing what you want out of discussion versus going in headfirst hellbent on out talking the other person. Most people go into arguments with their emotions first, and this is because they want to get the other person to see things their way and not the other way around. Ultimately it’s more than just an argument. When you look deeper you can see clearly that it’s actually a form of manipulation and control. Yes, YES, I know some of you out there believe the world revolves around you and in doing so are blind to the true motives behind your arguments. 

To avoid this pitfall you must consider both sides and the ultimate goal for you as a couple. If you want your partner to see a particular behavior of theirs in a different light then it’s important for you to also see it from their side. Just because you feel one way about something doesn’t necessarily mean you’re right. 

Sneak Peek: The driving force behind the argument you don’t see

If you find yourself arguing with your partner over their work wardrobe, or anything else for that matter, you must separate your opinion from what’s really going on. Your argument may infer that the reason behind their choice of attire is to attract the opposite sex. Whether or not this is in fact the case doesn’t matter when it comes to separating your opinion from theirs. 

The best approach in this case would be to directly ask what drives the other person’s sense of style.  This will translate far better than accusing them of bad behavior. Furthermore, your partner’s wardrobe should have been something you noticed and accepted when you were getting to know them. 

After you have a better idea as to why you partner goes about things a certain way, you can respectfully insert why you feel the way you do. This will open up the floor for a more productive dialog that will allow both sides to articulate where they stand and offer up solutions to avoid such concerns going forward. 

Tips:

• Be Observant: Before accusing someone of something based on your own perception, watch their behavior to determine the best course of action. Regardless of how you feel about someone’s actions, if it’s simply how they go about things and their behavior is consistent, there really isn’t much to stress over. Again, paying attention to your partner’s ways and habits early on and not ignoring potential red flags will save you from a ton of headache in the future. 
• Make Adjustments (within reason): Relationships are all about compromise, so it’s always a good idea to be flexible if you want to grow.
• Never Accuse, Simply Inquire: The worst thing you can do is basically accuse someone of being a rotten human being without proof. It’s next to impossible to have a productive conversation when approaching someone in that way.

Argument Armor: Gearing up for the battle

There are a host of ways to go about having a discussion. I won’t sit and claim that one is better than the other, because it depends on the situation and the people involved. I don’t think that it’s ever a bad idea to wait for the appropriate time to bring something up. Meaning, if you have something important you want to discuss it shouldn’t be while your partner is at work, or with family, or any other situation where they need to be dialed in mentally and emotionally. 

You want to also write down what it is you want to say so that you make sure not to leave anything out. When it comes to things you want to address and move past, best practice is to address it all at once and forever leave it in the rear. This means that you want to include every bit of your concern so that you won’t have a reason to double back. 

Tips:

• Write down everything you wish to discuss beforehand
• Rehearse your presentation, making sure to avoid being overly emotional or accusatory
• Avoid bringing it up while they’re at work or with family
• Do your homework first. Just because you have a suspicion or feel a certain way doesn’t mean that there is truly a problem.  Often times the real issue is looking right back at you in the mirror.  Examine your own mind and perception of things to better determine whether or not it’s a “you thing” or a “them thing”. 

The Dance: Navigating the Discussion

So you’re finally ready to have your “discussion”. You’ve done your homework, organized your thoughts and found the perfect opportunity for the two of you to sit down for a little chat. However, I should mention that just because you’ve done all of the aforementioned things doesn’t mean that it’s all downhill from here. You still must maintain a pleasant atmosphere in the way you go about having your discussion. I’ve added a few tips below to help you out!

Tips:

• Smile
• Silence your phone
• Avoid excessive background noises  
• Don’t raise your voice
• Avoid crying or other emotional outbursts
• Don’t speak with a suspicious tone (take a break detective)
• Listen when they speak and don’t overtalk them
• Use words and phrases like: “I understand…”, “I appreciate you having this discussion with me…”, “I’m sorry if I misunderstood…” etc.

Maintain: Staying ahead of future disagreements

Now that you’ve cleared the air by expressing how you feel, as well as gained a better understanding from your partner’s side, it’s important to stay ahead of the curve. This means working to correct anything you may have been responsible for in reaching the conclusions you did. Perhaps you struggle with certain insecurities or past baggage that require corrective action from your end versus your partner’s? Either way, it’s important that you maintain the bar and leave the arguing out of your relationship. Remember, it’s only a discussion. Good luck!

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